Up in air

All my memoried life
I've kept books
and notes
and binders
and dysfunctional squashed spiral bounds
and scraps
and thoughts disposed of on reused envelopes
with any pen I could find
while driving or trying to sleep

now
wasted
and worn thin
or maybe only thinner
I give

nearly give
give in

stand on a small dock
over water

could be ocean
lagoon
or river

flows
but not too slow
nor too fast

enough-- to cause reflection

the papers fly
but can't hold their own air

I

I am

casting pages
paper
ink to melt

paper
to the sea
hoping even there
someone will read

something will last
or find new form
to speak

pages
I have
I have given
given up
given up on

words worthwhile
but stewed over
over for too long
for a solitary life

knowing
but only partly
partially
that this is never
never to be

but not
not wanting
to admit I have no audience

and thus hoping something
something unseen
will find them

find them
my pages
these words
this randomness

and see the sense
the feeling
the emotion
or just something to make another
say me too

find them and reshape
reshape if nothing more
my world
if nothing more
my world
or anyone's

watching the paper
take on water
and sink
like a great sail ship
wood failed
fire or cannon
ripped through
its hull

that is how this often feels

some
critical loss

some intrusion
into the heavier sea's fluid matter

heavier sea's
fluid matter

some failure
that sends us beneath the line
and holds us
holds us
too close

like water used as a weapon
a weapon
holding us from air
but we
we knowing
knowing we're close to drowning

understanding
that survival is just above the surface 
if we could just fight
fight to above
above and in
in to the air

escape intrusion
into the heavier sea's fluid matter
escape the
heavier sea's
fluid matter

escape
the loss
and end
end up
in life

find and reshape
reshape if nothing more
my world

if nothing more
my world

if nothing more
find my voice and talk
to talk if for nothing more
my own words

but knowing all the while
as unique and me as I am
that I am
little of what
the all wants to know

I am piece
not puzzle
and holding onto dreams
is so hard when when you get here