My Own Cement

If my own cement
is fluid enough
yet thick enough
sufficient enough
but stable enough
I can avoid.

Avoid all
avoid the problems that will out live me.
I can stay stuck in this mud
wallowing through all this
all this that will never leave my head.

All this that is
that is tugging at my socks
making me add extra lift to every step

work like an unoiled machine
pitting metal against metal and forcing it
forcing it to find its own way to smooth.

I can avoid
avoid all
avoid the problems that will out live me

no wonder we fall easily to religion
and belief in the afterlife,
it makes all this individualism work

allows me to stick here in my own mud
and dwell on small things
small things that cloud only my own eyes

the best in me or worst in me
may hurt a few around me
but really not to the equal of so much
much more left undone in this world

to be able to believe
we'll count
count beyond the time in these bones
that the the space we fill
is only building

only building
a more

a more
to come

to believe

to believe spending so much
time in my own self sarrow, insecurities and improvements
instead of feeding a few of the hungry
is worth it, or worth something

to believe it
that it is worth
worth it.

If my own cement
is fluid enough,
yet thick enough
sufficient enough
I can avoid,

avoid the problems that will out live mestay stuck in this mud,

to believe
we'll count beyond the time in these bones

only building
a more
a more to come

to believe I
I am even the hungry.

Instead of creating a great statue to make another dozen fall in love with art
or a painting for the same

no instead I spend years
writing self pity down.
Or is it up?

To believe
we'll count beyond the time in these bones
in this flesh
that the the space we fill
is only building.

Instead of what I'm doing
this adding of steal rebar to my cement
ever adding weight unneeded.

To get from my current ignoring
ignorance
to working
to believing.

The believing few of any flock
really get to,

to the pursuit
to a goal
the hope
that one day
I'll be a better person
solve a perfect puzzle

some permanence or assurance
like so many search.

Perfect puzzle of words in me
or someone else's book
that will turn it all around

instead of pushing along the whole
instead of pushing on that which only so few really do
and lead others to more.

To do the kind of things
that would actually really boost me out of my lackings
and into feeling productive and wonderful.

I've had days of this
but barely years and certainly no where near
no where near the lifetime
lifetime I have already half lived.

I hope to find a way
under my feet
these feet
that is not just a thousand years in the making or repeating
but true
and willing to be current,

want of feeling worthwhile.
I want of feeling worthwhile
I want everyone to feel a beingness of worthwhile
worthwhile

what a difference
a difference
that makes.

Can't get it without being outside myself
not stuck in my cement
but out in in others.

Feeling worthwhile
what a difference
that makes
if everyone
could feel so important,

what a difference that makes.